Ourselves Alone

Coming out of my first major relationship, I feel a great mixture of feelings: remorse, sadness, regret, anger, overall confusion, and sheer pain to name the most obvious ones. I always convinced myself that my girlfriend was the perfect living embodiment of what I wanted in a woman. I never stopped to consider that although she may have been my first love, she was not necessarily going to last. We all have constructs in our minds that we develop out of fear of the unknown and the desire to be comfortable and secure. It is only when we step out of these constructs, tear them down, and take a look at our lives from a non-biased perspective that we can really begin to understand why events like break-ups happen. Sometimes we just have to stop, breathe, and take it all in--- don't think, judge, or regret in that moment. As human beings, we are certainly built for such judgmental ways. When things go wrong in the world, it either has to be our own fault or someone else's--- when in actuality, it can just be. Not everything in life works perfectly--- namely because most things in life are controlled by human beings who are by nature imperfect. While the notion that all things happen for a reason is certainly true, why they are necessary to US is something that is far less obvious. Prior to meeting my first girlfriend, I was unsure what love is all about: I barely even knew how to talk to someone of the opposite sex who was my age! I've always been a people person, and I've always enjoyed listening to and talking with people of diverse backgrounds with different stories--- but the concept of a girlfriend was just too far-fetched for me to think about. Then it just happened, and it seemed like everything fell into place. Throughout the course of my relationship I learned what it's like to love someone for who they are, what it's like to compromise and what it's like to be a compassionate, supportive boyfriend. When it all came crumbling apart, and the reason for the break-up was because my significant other didn't always see these qualities in me and when she did they were overbearing and in a sense self-serving, it came time for me to seriously re-examine who I was as a person. I'm still sorting it all out, but as I sit here tonight writing this blog, I somehow get chills thinking: this is identity-forming. This is a game-changing event in my life that will teach me about myself and will provide me with a better sense of the areas for improvement I can potentially work on in future relationships--- whether with a new girlfriend, a friend, or a family member. These are the moments of my life that I will always be able to look back to and say to myself "How did I get from there to here"? If today I am a vivacious, resilient, loving soul who understands that everyone who is put into my life by the grace of God somehow fits into the bigger picture, tomorrow I will be able to wake up saying "You know, that's a pretty good revelation I had the other day." Then maybe the next day I'll decide on the spur of the moment to join a new club and make a few new friends, or become better friends with people I may have never thought of becoming really good friends with. Then maybe the next day I will fall in love again--- with a person, a place, an ideal, a concept, a song, a film, or maybe even someone I may have lost sight of a long time ago: myself. Only when we recognize our own self-worth and virtue can we truly appreciate the dynamic, constantly changing world around us. It may be impossible to stop, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy the ride. As Doc Brown keenly noted at the end of Back to the Future Part III: "The future's what you make of it. So make it a good one." No one can predict the future, or change the past: but anyone can live for today and realize that although we have to constantly adjust to our new paradigms, as long as we are comfortable living in our own skin, we have nothing to fear and no cause for apology.