Ourselves Alone

Coming out of my first major relationship, I feel a great mixture of feelings: remorse, sadness, regret, anger, overall confusion, and sheer pain to name the most obvious ones. I always convinced myself that my girlfriend was the perfect living embodiment of what I wanted in a woman. I never stopped to consider that although she may have been my first love, she was not necessarily going to last. We all have constructs in our minds that we develop out of fear of the unknown and the desire to be comfortable and secure. It is only when we step out of these constructs, tear them down, and take a look at our lives from a non-biased perspective that we can really begin to understand why events like break-ups happen. Sometimes we just have to stop, breathe, and take it all in--- don't think, judge, or regret in that moment. As human beings, we are certainly built for such judgmental ways. When things go wrong in the world, it either has to be our own fault or someone else's--- when in actuality, it can just be. Not everything in life works perfectly--- namely because most things in life are controlled by human beings who are by nature imperfect. While the notion that all things happen for a reason is certainly true, why they are necessary to US is something that is far less obvious. Prior to meeting my first girlfriend, I was unsure what love is all about: I barely even knew how to talk to someone of the opposite sex who was my age! I've always been a people person, and I've always enjoyed listening to and talking with people of diverse backgrounds with different stories--- but the concept of a girlfriend was just too far-fetched for me to think about. Then it just happened, and it seemed like everything fell into place. Throughout the course of my relationship I learned what it's like to love someone for who they are, what it's like to compromise and what it's like to be a compassionate, supportive boyfriend. When it all came crumbling apart, and the reason for the break-up was because my significant other didn't always see these qualities in me and when she did they were overbearing and in a sense self-serving, it came time for me to seriously re-examine who I was as a person. I'm still sorting it all out, but as I sit here tonight writing this blog, I somehow get chills thinking: this is identity-forming. This is a game-changing event in my life that will teach me about myself and will provide me with a better sense of the areas for improvement I can potentially work on in future relationships--- whether with a new girlfriend, a friend, or a family member. These are the moments of my life that I will always be able to look back to and say to myself "How did I get from there to here"? If today I am a vivacious, resilient, loving soul who understands that everyone who is put into my life by the grace of God somehow fits into the bigger picture, tomorrow I will be able to wake up saying "You know, that's a pretty good revelation I had the other day." Then maybe the next day I'll decide on the spur of the moment to join a new club and make a few new friends, or become better friends with people I may have never thought of becoming really good friends with. Then maybe the next day I will fall in love again--- with a person, a place, an ideal, a concept, a song, a film, or maybe even someone I may have lost sight of a long time ago: myself. Only when we recognize our own self-worth and virtue can we truly appreciate the dynamic, constantly changing world around us. It may be impossible to stop, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy the ride. As Doc Brown keenly noted at the end of Back to the Future Part III: "The future's what you make of it. So make it a good one." No one can predict the future, or change the past: but anyone can live for today and realize that although we have to constantly adjust to our new paradigms, as long as we are comfortable living in our own skin, we have nothing to fear and no cause for apology.

Christmas

Well, it is officially two days after Christmas but for the first time in as long as I can remember, it doesn't feel like Christmas has magically disappeared after 11:59 pm on December 25th. It feels like the spirit is still in the air, which I find to be great. First off, I didn't even feel like Christmas was approaching at all this year with all the hecticness of final exams coming to an end on December 22nd. By the time I got home there were only two full days left until Christmas. And for my family, Christmas begins on Christmas Eve, so I effectively had one day to get myself in the spirit (and to do some last minute city Christmas shopping). Then it came upon me "like a tidal wave" and suddenly I felt myself filled with the spirit. I didn't care about gifts or money as much as I did about re-connecting with my family and sharing stories with them about old times and new times. It was good to finally just be able to relax and let the spirit of Christmas guide me through the holiday. I think that's what Christmas should always be about. Back with more later...

About The Hiatus...

Last post you'll find here I was promising to deliver the third part of my time-travel rant early in the second week of June. So yeah... epic fail on my part. This would be just about the eightieth time on this blog that I would be apologizing for my slacking. But this time... I'm not saying sorry. Mainly because I'm writing this to a very small audience (if any), but also because the past three months have been kind of hectic for me to say the least. By that, I mean, I was transitioning from confused high school graduate to even more confused college newcomer--- not that I was especially busy throughout the summer, but just... distracted I guess. Welcoming the thoughts of my future college experience (which I'm now living out here in Loudonville, NY at Siena College). So that's the reason for my lack of blogging all summer long. Eventually I probably will try to decipher the time travel theories for a third time but first I need to re-familiarize myself with the theories I was trying to prove, which is a very time-consuming process (at least for me). So don't hold your breath. This post right now is mainly concerned with these logistical issues that I'm not saying sorry for, so if you saw this new entry and got super excited for more of my ingenius insight, then you already stopped reading. If you are reading this far, however, you deserve SOMETHING. So just for you... here's an update on my college experience.
I arrived in Loudonville with my fair share of hesitation and anxiety, but with a greater amount of hope and excitable energy that I think even rubbed off on some of my family. The campus was just as I remembered it, except now it was a bit more hectic. Kinetic energy abounded. Nervous students flocked to get their room keys; agitated parents unloaded refrigerators and TVs from their cars; my grandmother sat in the rented van with a window cracked like a dog (the way she wanted it). My new life, little did I know, had officially begun. I met people that day who were complete strangers. A day later, we were inseparable. We knew each other since birth, or at least so it seemed. I joked around with them like I would with my own family. Two days later, we were going to the mall and to the movies together. Giant games of Apples to Apples ensued; running around from dorm to dorm to dorm; having dinner with so many people it made my family's Thanksgiving dinner table look small. A new family started. I met brilliant professors who have already made an impact on me. My room really isn't as bad as a jail cell. The food here is pretty great. But all of that means nothing without having people to share it with. I consider myself lucky to have such great people to begin the most important journey of my life with. And in the immortal words of Mr. Sherman Klump, "Good morning!"

The Gameplan

2 posts in one day... I'm busy (and bored) tonight. This is just a quick update about what's going on here at Resistance of Salvation headquarters (by headquarters I mean my laptop in my bedroom) in the coming week. Last week I made some promises about what I would be posting on the blog each day, which kind of didn't work out so I'm not going to do that again this week, and probably never again. I'm not a very organized person, and I'm definitely a procrastinator so I tend to put off tasks I assign for myself until I feel like doing them... which I'm sure will help me immensely in college. So anywho, here's a quick rundown on what I may try to do this week. I definitely will finish up my time travel series hopefully early on in the week. I really never imagined it would be so hard to write about the time travel theories as presented in the Back to the Future trilogy and the Terminator world, but it's pretty damn confusing so I've split it up into a few separate blog entries. Third, and final, entry is coming at you in the very near future. I also promised to do 2 other Terminator related entries last week which I never got to. Rest assured, those will be delivered as promised, again, sometime early this week (hopefully). And, of course, any spur of the moment ideas I come up with that I think will make for fascinating viewing will pop up on your computer screens as well. May also do a couple things on college life this week... expectations, etc. We shall see. So the basic message I'm trying to convey is "That Terminator is out there. It can't be bargained with, it can be reasoned with, and it absolutely will not stop... ever... until you are dead." Oh, right, I was talking about what's going on at the Blog this week. Hard to believe I'm such a disorganized writer, huh? Good when I put my mind to it though... and, yeah, seriously, that Terminator is ripped. I would hand over my clothes if he asked me to. Otherwise, he may kind of, well, kill you in cold blood and imitate your voice on the phone. I'll be back... and sooner than you'd like me to be.

Here At The Crossroads of Time

I'm still a little bit shellshocked that I'm a high school graduate. I've been one for a good 32 hours now, but still can't get over it. It's just like, wow, it's all over. Completely. The past couple of years all's I've been talking about is how much I can't wait for college and how much I wanted out of high school. But now it's all starting to come to me... I'm going to miss it. I'm not saying I think I should spend another year in high school... I've paid my dues (in the form of IB exams and Extended Essay), and I deserved that diploma. But what gets me is that the teachers that mentored me throughout all of this... are no longer going to be a part of my life. And neither are my peers from Xaverian High School, except for maybe a couple more get-togethers. Chapter One of my life has officially closed. Chapter Two won't truly begin until September up in Albany... right now we're kind of stuck in the middle. Kinda still in chapter one, kinda in chapter two. So I figured what better way to sort my emotions than right here on my nifty little blog?
Well, as the saying goes, everything happens for a reason. And the purpose of yesterday's commencement was to introduce 350 able in mind, body, and spirit individuals into the world to attempt to change the face of it. Hope for the future was unleashed yesterday... potential. And that's the word I'm going to focus on in this entry... potential. That's what life is all about. We all have the potential to be great--- to live in God's image. To live respectful, yet fun, lives. To venture into life experiences you once thought you'd never have. And that's what college is. A life experience like no other, where the potential is literally limitless. That's what I'm striving for in college, to reach my potential. My one regret in high school was that I waited until around Junior Year to really start being social, and I feel I may've paid for that the past couple of years as I've tried to make my way into the social circles that were already established four years ago. I love you all at Xaverian, but I really do need a fresh start. In many ways, we all do. College is just as much about redemption and renewal as it is partying and having fun. I hope to combine all of these things, actually. That'd make for a great college experience. Always remember your potential can not be used to help you in life until you realize it's there. It's always there. The road to a successful, happy life is just a crossroads away.

Stopping Time

It doesn't happen. Never. Even in the quietest moments of our life, the few parts of it that we have to sit back and meditate on life's greatest mysteries and questions, you can never completely stop time. It may seem like it pauses slightly during said moments of reflection but the reality of life is that time doesn't sleep. It doesn't take vacation days or call in sick. It doesn't take a break every couple of centuries to rest on its laurels. Time's sole purpose in this world is to be the universe's constant. Something that can never fail it. Something that can never fail us. We take breaks, hiatuses, vacations, respits... power naps, cat naps, naps under our desks at work for you Seinfeld fans out there... coffee breaks, lunch breaks, work breaks. But time does none of this. And it never will.
We, however, will stop... someday. Right now we just take pauses, like the ones listed above. But the reason we never truly stop until natural death is because we have a zest for life. We have an inherent, inevitable part of our soul that quenches knowledge and discovery. We want answers... we want questions... more of the latter than the former I believe, too. We want challenge, and formidable tasks to be presented to us. We want to help the helpless, shepherd the lost, clothe the naked, guide the blind. We want to be microcosms of Christ Himself. We strive to beat on so we can discover all that God in His infinine mercy and wisdom has in store for us. Not so we can wait and see how much riches and prestige he bestows on us. To see how he wants us to serve his ministry in our daily lives. Yes, that's right. Daily. We may not all realize it but we all have powerful destinies planned for us by our Lord God. He sees in us things we never even thought we'd be capable of. He counts us worthy to proclaim His name, though not by screaming it from a mountain top. Here's how he wants us to do it, and how we in our heart of hearts, want to ourselves to do it as well: counsel a confused friend; give food to the hungry; secretly give money to the poor, not wanting any recognition or acknowledgment; talk to the lonely; give someone a shoulder to cry on; use the best of yourself to bring out the best in other people. And most importantly, listen. Listen to the elderly, the poor, the sick, the meek, the hungry. To those who are reaching out to you. To those who need you, though they'd never admit it. Reach out your hand to your fellow man; pray he takes it.
So I graduate tomorrow... and that's why I write this blog tonight, at a time when I really should be resting up for tomorrow so that I don't fall asleep in Walt Whitman auditorium tomorrow while diplomas are being handed out. If anyone's actually reading this, and caring about it, you probably are asking: why did he just do that? Wax poetic about how we should treat others how we would like to be treated and about charisms we learn about in Church weekly? Simple. Because even though we've all heard that stuff before, it needs to reverberate in us. It needs to have a lasting affect. It needs to be remembered. Especially by the Xaverian graduating class of 2009. We've all had our personal trials and tribulations, but the bottom line is we all brought out the best in each other at SOME point of our academic career in Xaverian High School. And we can all bring out the best in other people in the same manner as we did in that building in other buildings, in other cities, in other states, in other countries, in other ways. Our service to the world and to God wasn't completed when our Senior Involvement time ended. No, sir. Service and commitment are necessary for all aspects of our lives... professionally, academically, spiritually. And before I get off my soapbox, I'd just like to make one more point:
Service is integral to our spiritual formation and life experiences in general for one specific, non-negotiable reason. Helping others helps ourselves. It enrichens our life experiences. It makes life worthwhile. It gives us purpose. It humanizes us. It forms us, and shapes us, and molds us. It is what makes us the manifestations of Jesus Christ we all want ourselves to be. And remember, while we have a definite end, time does not. It will keep on ticking until there is nothing left to tick for. Which is to say, forever. Human beings have the capacity for great things, all of them, if they just set their hearts to it.
It is with mixed emotions that roughly 12 hours from now my commencement from Xaverian High School will begin. I will miss my friends, and the deep bonds I have formed with my brethren there. I will miss the teachers who were so integral in my formation as a man of character and maturity. But as time ticks on, I also realize that there is another constant I can always rely on: my family. Who were there when I was introduced to this world some eighteen years ago. Who worried about me when I refused to eat when I was two days old and had to be fed intravenously. Who held me in their arms when I was an infant and sang me to sleep. Who baptized me in the name of Jesus Christ when I was 2 months old. Who nurtured me my whole life. Who was at my pre-school Graduation... my fifth grade graduation... my eighth grade graduation. All leading up to yet another Graduation to add to the roster: my graduation from High School. The surreal feeling that it seems just yesterday I was tearing up at my graduation from Mark Twain will probably leave me someday. Probably about four years from now when I realize how surreal it seems that it feels like just yesterday I graduated from high school.
The past fades away as the present, changing constantly, awaits the future. Nothing will hold back the night to paraphrase Billy Joel in "Two Thousand Years." So we beat on...

The Past Future, Future Past, and the Veracity of Time Traveling- Part 2

So we've already delved into the foundations of time travel as presented by the Back to the Future trilogy, where we concluded that there is only ONE possible, one true timeline, and any other ones other than that are temporary and will eventually resolve themselves, or there will be a major world paradox. Put in terms of the film itself, the only TRUE timeline is the one we see at the beginning of Part I. This can get kind of hairy, though, by virtue of the fact that the time machine, although it doesn't prevent or cause any lives to be initiated. Marty McFly was destined to be born, even though he started to fade away during "Earth Angel" after it seemed that all hope had been lost for George and Lorraine (Lorraine was too involved with "Calvin" to be bothered by the shy George)--- said "disappearing" act was a direct result of Marty's time traveling back to a time where his mother and father were teenagers. HOWEVER, true love always perseveres--- even time travel itself couldn't alter the ultimate FATE of the main characters, George, Marty, Lorraine, Dave, Linda. There was a predestined timeline that even Doc Brown couldn't intervene with. Even his and Clara's romantic involvement in Part III was a result of pure fate. They were meant for each other, even though they were from different times. The only major character whose fate kept changing throughout the course of the movies was Biff Tannen. In many ways, he was the crux, the time barometer if you will, of each picture. His wealth in the middle of Part II was the key to everyone's reality being so different (apart from the time travelers of course). In the first film, he is seen as just a big, old bully who bullied his whole way through life. By the end of Part III, he's a servant. In some ways, the character is a plot device, but in others he is the most fascinating character study of the whole trilogy.
"The Terminator" was one of 1984's most low profile, low budget, summer sleeper movies. You could tell from the get-go, however, that James Cameron had big ideas for this franchise. Although you could tell the effects budget was very small by today's standards and some of the script-writing for the first picture was a little weak, there was SOMETHING about this movie that James Cameron was passionate about. This was meant to be more than a great action flick (which it was). This was a horror picture. Machines taking over the world in a not-too-distant future. A waitress being told the weight of the world was on her shoulders. A soldier who was disillusioned by the horrors he had seen in the future, yet still had hope for the world when he arrived in 1984. His mission was to protect one Sarah Connor, the aforementioned waitress. What John Connor, the future leader of the resistance against the machines, presumably never told Reese was that he was his father. The mission was not only to protect Sarah from big bad Ahhnold, but also to father John with Sarah. A quiet scene halfway through the picture has Kyle telling Sarah "I came across time for you Sarah. I love you. I always have." At its heart, this first part to the mythos of the Terminator world is a love story. Sarah immediately falls for Reese and they make mad, passionate love almost immediately after Reese utters those lines. Big Bad Ahhnold is too busy killing other Sarah Connors and ramming through police stations uttering classic catchphrases to realize that he's as good as a godfather to John Connor. In fact, in the second installment, he will assume a father figure type of role for Connor (as Connor's father died before he was born, it was important for Termie to assume such a role). But Connor will meet his dad sometime in the 21st century. More on that later.
Had Skynet not have gone online (sorry to those of you who don't like T3, but said event happened in this movie) in 2004, John Connor would've never had the need to organize a resistance to combat them. Oh, yeah, and he wouldn't be around to do that even if he wanted to. The ultimate reasoning behind what I just said is that time travel in the Terminator world is cyclical. The future has to happen before the past does, kind of. If Skynet doesn't go online, Kyle Reese grows up to lead a happy, normal life. No need for time travel because Skynet doesn't exist. Skynet doesn't invent the time displacement field, doesn't send the T-800 back in time to kill the future leader of the resistance's mother--- and John Connor isn't born.
In this franchise, time travel does DIRECTLY affect the existence of people, and even, the state of the world itself. The third and final part to this blog is coming at you tomorrow... stay tuned. "I'll be back."